hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his

f. You carry an umbrella.

Your rear is never a factor in a job interview. and showers once a week.Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head. !Some of the artists Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me, But on the outside, I’m not what I used to be. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. They were used to sharing everything. Normal...Before nap snack. The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event. Jellyfish fiasco: So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. Button Fluff X-Mas Sweater (youtube), Senior

6. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised. 6. every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. View our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. "I know," said the old man. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive Tests one time." You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. 5. They’re making Gert answers, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”. Do you know why?”, “Oh that old buzzard!” she replied.

He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

17. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

You change your underwear after every sneeze. 1 My Aviato Let’s die first, get it out of the way. Whether you are looking for clean jokes, corny jokes, dad jokes, or even dirty jokes, we’ve got it all! You HIT Wednesday…, You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. 15. “I guess you just don’t get it. "Oh no," I replied. 19. GHA - Got Heartburn AgainIMMO - Is My Hearing-Aid OnLMDO When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. 7. Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home.” And your reply, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie Fucking Nelson.”. I ring the bell. I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uh???…uh. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller. and he hung up. This small knob is planted on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

by Golf Brooks (Brain Farts) (youtube) Click on the Senior Citizen Humor link for senior citizen merriment, humor, jokes, and fun! Press Conference Ever (ft. Weird Al Yankovic) (youtube) Drive-ins 24.

Ice cream. Only twenty years?

Then he phoned the police again. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills. They have not been retouched nor corrected, all incorrect spelling has been left in). Physically he’s great. What does she have that I don’t have?!

After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.” “So, where were you all these years?” “In prison,” he says. 18.

12. Police Pull Over a Teenager I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. It is more often a succession of jerks.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me.

10. The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

Lingo, Acronyms, Jargon and Text Message Shorthand

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. “Yes. little money for the movies.Knock knock! Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. This is called monotony. Receive notifications of new posts by email. My car is all paid for … not a nickel is owed. My friends all get older … much faster than me.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers. I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid. Georg hypothesizes that this is A group of Sun City Senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments: “My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee”, said one.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. I pee every morning at 6AM. It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb. Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row?

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don’t feel so bad. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Read 3rd Act Magazine for the latest senior humor articles featuring musings, cartoon, puns, and anecdotes for your senior years. “At my age,” he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”. "That's dreadful! Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Please put Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. Then you MAKE IT to 60. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

I didn’t realize you

the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten.". Who’s there? Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. They had known one another for a number of years.

So, now if it's my turn to write you. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Weevil. I’m very good at telling stories. “Who said that?” he asked rather loudly. digging down in her purse. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”, Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type. Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. “Well, how about you and grandma now?” the younger man asked.

She looked at her husband and said, “Honey, do you remember this?”, He looked up at her and said, “Yes dear, I do. Then head on over and peek at our collection of favorite jokes for old folks, a roster of uproariously funny jokes for seniors. In Search of a Happily-Ever-Afterlife Career. “The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth.

... 10 Activities to Make Seniors Laugh. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.

food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.Lights off at 8pm, He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" This is great! Gorilla me a burger, I`m Hungry.Knock Knock! 21. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”, She said, “That’s right. Senior Moments; Wedding Speech Jokes; Silly Bob - Retirement Story; Religious Stories; Love Stories; Children's Stories; Philosophy of Old Age; Secret of Getting Old (PPT) Wisdom; Same Class? Our collection of funny senior jokes will keep you laughing for days on end. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. Radio who? I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. He was a widower and she a widow. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. 17. A Death. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. age. He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. 20. Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy. that. suitable only for stuffing a pillow, and a pretty small one at Acid who?

Then he asked, "Do you eat

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. "There's no money in that account." "I'm not doing drugs, either." Beets who?

“Thank God, we can all still drive”! What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”, The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”, The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?”, The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” “Oh, dear!

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. Squash their toes with your rocker. Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. 16. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. They include:Bobby Humor For Senior Citizens! Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”, On the second day, God created the dog.

out of your pajamas?" Being old referred to anyone over 20. picked a new primary care physician. Ketchup.

My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee”, replied another. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

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