If you were Saint 11years, they’d say you were terrible for being a saint. I’m sure had I not thrown him out when he started threatening to kill me that I would have gone through exactly what you did. I now think they are fantastic people because I’ve gotten to know his mother pretty well. I called her finally to inquire about it, and she laid into me pretty hard. My brain could not process all these mixed messages. It sucks because we have been abused, and we crave validation of that fact from a society that has a difficult time accepting that parents abuse their kids. You want to hurt someone, nothing I can do to prevent it but don’t think I’m going to waste my time hearing you complain about it. I read stuff that makes me just wonder, how do these people live life and why don’t they consider another person’s as valid or another opinion as valid. And by the way, I’m really glad that you aren’t red, though I love red roses, too. … I’m sure they will continue to be weirdos in the future. I did not call them names, or mock them. I have always thought I did not do enough for my ES at an earlier age. It can time a long time for people to see others for who they truly are so take heart that hopefully your son will see his wife for who she is, and his loving family for who they are. So, now you will have time to focus on yourself. But he wiggled his way free and drove off. They refuse any feedback that is not stoking their ego and telling them it's all on the estranged child. Her husband has moved her into the country where she’s not around people (other than his immediate family), so she needs this Reddit group as an outlet for her drama. The cold, cruel facts of child desertion. It feels like right now the only thing I’m giving myself permission with is anger. I reflected on it for a few days before sending a heartfelt response. I use quotes, because I think this is what she perceived. I was scared I would miss an opportunity to have a real relationship with her before she passed, just like with my father. Eventually I moved home and just could not bring myself to tell them my new address and phone number. You’re so right about the limited contact with the one when there’s none with the other. My final straw is when she invited everyone in our family, including my grandparents, all my mother's brothers and sisters, and me and my siblings, to a Mother's Day beach party and didn't invite my mother. However,rather than my parents going to a pastor..my dad is the pastor. (wanted to say - please fuck right off). She was a lovely child till about 16, then the s**t hit the fan. I didn’t take all the steps you did, such as explaining why and requesting conditions of contact. But it's the ONLY WAY to stop the cycle. You have to do the work yourself and block out anything likely to undermine any progress you make. I guess this is what it means. I don’t think that anyone has implanted memories into her head, but I do agree that being a victim gets you attention. First of all, if my son thinks I am too toxic for reason X,Y or Z, then any son can hate any parent for any reason. I did not commit adultery. I was taken to court and family services threatened to put little sister in state foster care because I could not control my daughter. Thank you, everyone, but most especially Sheri for the extraordinary work she has done A few weeks ago I learned he will soon be moving to Iceland for a new job. Ann, my stepfather was very abusive but it was sooo subtle that you really couldn’t quite pinpoint what he’d done, you just knew that he was doing all he could to find your weaknesses, exploit them and make a fool of you so I have an idea what your ex was like. I questioned it from time to time….I may have even talked myself out of calling the police for fear of breaking up the family. I mean, they ambushed him at his work, followed him when he ran from them, and tried to block his car in while beating on the window. But he’d be short on money by the time house payments and everything else came due and in spite of him not making any effort to save money to prepare for that, so I’d pay his shortfalls. I came up with plenty of mistakes and regrets I made. Is that typical behavior from your parents? She monitored every conversation, wouldn’t allow us to be alone with our son. After speaking to a councillor and my son (who is in contact with my ED), I am starting to realise that a lot of the time it probably is my fault. Not much else to say, I suppose. I suggested my daughter and son-in-law were pushing people away, and then blaming them for being distant. The call was setting me up to take her dog. Rejected parents have few places to turn. I gave this gift to her in person when we were up for her wedding. I know a lot of people don’t like using labels, but I’ve got a sister with this and it really helps knowing what you’re up against so you don’t feel so much like you’re in the Twilight Zone. This isn’t a contest we’re in. teaches us. Ok, I was so pissed after reading that my husband told me no more. My sister tried to use access to her kids as a weapon against my mom and grandmother to get what she wanted. The guilt you feel is reflective of the abuse you had to endure. However, the description of your extraordinary efforts makes me think nothing would have been enough. I suspect that’s very common when the kids have different personalities than their parents. They saw my partner in the window and banged on the door for 20 minutes, demanding that we open the door. Wrong move, should have breastfed. When I brought up what she did, he claimed that what she did was not on purpose to hurt me and he “didn’t marry a monster.” Hmm. Here is the deal. It seems as though my daughter will be happy only when I confess to the murder of the Lindbergh baby, you know? Everything you're feeling is okay! Really sucks when people use innocent third parties as leverage. In contrast, my two daughters are also gifted but both were valedictorians, both now have Ph.D.s and both are ambitions, responsible, independent and financially successful. Why has our son estranged himself from us plus his sister and her family? What is love? My mother was so traumatized she never came back and passed a few years later. But she’d been aware of some of the family issues for some time, and was pretty aware of my parents behavior. Silly me, of course that never happened and it won’t. – which, believe me, is a mindset I am sure I had a hand in creating through my warrior mom role) , and completely isolated. She is very bright and, prior to this, was a very kind, giving young woman. There are plenty on here with DIL issues. He’s bought her story hook, line, and sinker… because why would she lie to him?? I guess the point of this post is this: there's no hope. I agree that many of today’s generation have been spoiled and that may be part of this overall trend where nothing is good enough for them, and whatever seems wrong in their lives is our fault in their minds. There were a few Reddit threads about me. My in-laws who can’t understand why I can’t “be the bigger person”. Through this group, she is getting attention that feeds her fantasy. To leave her alone. We are not new and we are not alone. When people are abusive,they condition us to think a certain way. I’m 18, and it’s honestly disheartening how similar my story is to yours. By the time she was 15 I knew I had lost her and if I ever left him I would never see her again. She has never had to study much as her education has always came easy. This type of situations were weekly (yes weekly) and over a four year period I no longer tried talking to her about her issues and no longer tried counseling. ED promises to behave, get job go to school, and not tell her “friends” new address or phone #. Like all parents, I used to tell myself there was nothing my daughter could do that would make me stop loving her – not even if she murdered someone. gotten with the gifts from a life-saving therapist until I read Sheri’s book and the picture energies toward yourselves. She occasionally abused me as well. This all happened recently by the way and I'm still trying to help my mother deal with this, as best as I can anyway. What is forgiveness? we told her not to do that. I was not a single mother. It’s pretty telling of character. I think we have to leave these people alone and not be upset or influenced by their vindictive cruelty. Why should we love family, friends, and our most intimate relationships with NO expectations? joy, I’m very sorry to hear that, but not surprised. This lasted a good 4 or 5 years. He failed rehab programs, was homeless, arrested a lot. Parents of Estranged Adult Children: Help and Healing, This topic has 26 replies, 22 voices, and was last updated. Please note, our vote manipulation and harassment policies do not apply to activity on other sites. I understood that it was a mother’s plea to a daughter. I also responded to my mother, saying essentially the same thing. Only one perfect person walked this earth and we crucified him. He did hang around my house a lot, and do things with us. I read many thoughtful and caring and intelligent writings on the posts on this site. No! This site is for “rejected parents” who need support because we were thrown away by our own children whom we loved more than life and whom we raised and sacrificed our whole lives for – and it broke our hearts. My dad refused to attend my wedding because "it would be too awkward and uncomfortable." No one is perfect. 'If you don't admit that I won this chess game you can NEVER SEE LO again?'. I have received advice from 4 different family members who are in contact with my ED that I should not contact her for a while, to give her a break. (Pity I can’t make money from this amazing imagination of mine), Oh dear it does not take much to activate my self doubt and blame so I’m glad I haven’t seen this site because despite trying not to I think it would have knocked me back. When my ED explained some of the things, instead of acknowledging them and saying I would try not to do it in the future, I just got defensive. Fact checked by. I am sure I made mistakes, and I have heard others here say that too, yet I do not believe that my errors were intentional or mean-spirited or horrible, or terrible ones, nor that one should cut off all communication for decades, with a family member, because they are not perfect, make some mistakes, therefore are human and normal. Abusers love putting the onus/responsibility on their victims instead of taking accountability for their actions. They do discredit themselves. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Or they just put up with it for their normal looking company.

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